Finding out from your loved one that they’ve been diagnosed with something as terrible as cancer can be crazy. From my own experience, I know that people often have trouble figuring out how to best react without offending the patient while also showing their affection, sympathy, and willingness to help. As a patient, I probably see it a little differently, more pragmatically, but even so, I’d like to look at a few tips on how to handle this situation in the best way from my point of view.
Again, this comes with the note that every patient is different, and the treatment can manifest very individually. All the following thoughts are just my opinions and things that I personally would have appreciated. I also want to say that any resemblance to real people and conversations that may have occurred is purely coincidental. I definitely don’t want this to come across as an showcase of bad reactions, but rather as funny anecdotes. I don’t hold anything against anyone and I’m very grateful for all the love and support I’ve received from my family and friends. It means a lot to me, and I thank you for it.
So, how do you react?
When you find out about the diagnosis, it’s a shock for everyone. It’s completely normal not to know what to say in that moment. However, if you want to support your loved one, try to just be authentic and understanding. Usually, it’s enough to say something simple and sincere like, “I’m so sorry to hear that,” or “I’m here for you,” and to ask, “What can I do for you?”
But there are a few things I would advise you to avoid. Don’t try to downplay the diagnosis with words like, “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” or “It’s not what it used to be.” Positivity is important, of course, but if you overdo it, the patient might feel like they’re overreacting to the seriousness of their diagnosis. And please also avoid comparisons like, “My aunt had that, too,” especially if it didn’t end well for your aunt. I understand that showing your empathy with a similar anecdote might seem like a good idea, but it can often come across as trying to shift the attention to yourself. Every story is different, and such comparisons can feel like you’re trivializing what the patient is going through. The easiest thing is to just be close to them and not scare them unnecessarily.
Don’t forget about them — chemo is long and miserable
In the first days and weeks after the diagnosis is announced, the patient is often showered with attention and support. But then it usually calms down, and life returns to normal. For the patient, however, nothing changes. They are still in the middle of treatment and experiencing all those miserable side effects, the depressive period of battling with chemo brain, and on top of that, the constant uncertainty of how it will all end. It’s important to remember that treatment is a marathon, and even if it might seem like after so many months it can’t be that bad anymore, that, unfortunately, isn’t how it works, at least from my experience.
I recently read a good piece of advice: it would be great to set a reminder, maybe two months after the initial announcement, so you can brighten the patient’s day even when the initial wave of support has long since passed. Text, call, ask how they are doing. Attention that lasts is the most valuable kind. Even after long months of treatment, when you might feel like everything is back to normal, every message is a very valuable medicine for the patient.
Don’t oppose the doctors, don’t offer alternative treatments
This is probably one of the worst things you can do. It’s great that you want to help, but offering various proven solutions, whether it’s any kind of alternative treatment to replace what the doctors have prescribed, is not a good idea. The patient’s head is already full of information from doctors, fear for themselves, and worries about the treatment. They really don’t need the added stress of alternative guaranteed advice. This advice is not only annoying but can also be dangerous, so your effort can paradoxically cause more harm than good. Trust that the oncologists are the ones who know what they’re doing, and patients rely completely on them. None of us wants someone to try to undermine our trust in our doctors.
Also, please don’t try to figure out the cause of the illness. I fell into this trap myself at the beginning — after all, getting cancer at twenty-two (while I lived as healthy a life as possible) is unimaginable, and it must have a reason. But I soon realized that the universe is just random sometimes, and bad things happen to good people all the time, without them doing anything wrong. So it really didn’t help me when some people tried at all costs to figure out if my lymphoma came from the Covid vaccine or because I sometimes burn my meat in the pan. It just happened, and now it’s better to focus on what comes next than to wonder how it could have been avoided.
Let the patient complain and try not to offer solutions
I already mentioned this in the post for caregivers, but it’s worth repeating. When a patient talks about feeling bad, having joint pain, or feeling nauseous, try to listen and not immediately pull out a solution. Some patients just need to vent and hear that you’re sorry. It’s completely natural that as a friend or family member, you want to fix it and help them, but sometimes you just can’t. It’s enough to keep them company, listen to them, and show empathy.
Every person goes through illness differently. No one who hasn’t gone through chemotherapy can know what it’s like. You don’t have to be afraid to ask how your loved one is feeling to understand it better; you’re showing that you care and that you’re trying to understand. It’s definitely a better option than assuming you understand how they feel. Unfortunately, everything is unpredictable, and without communication, it’s hard to understand. Sometimes, a patient suddenly feels bad even though they were fine an hour ago. It’s important not to take it personally and to be understanding of these changes.
Show sincere interest
Personally, during my treatment, I could talk about cancer, chemotherapy, and all of these things for hours. After all, that’s why I originally started writing this blog — so I could share my experiences and write my way through everything. But the greatest joy I had was when my friends or family asked me about my experiences just because they were genuinely interested. So I’d like to recommend that if something from this treatment world interests you, just ask. I’m pretty sure the patient will be happy to talk and explain everything to you.
How to help, what to buy?
Now I’d like to get back to the initial reaction, because I’ve often heard the phrase, “If you need anything at all, just let me know.” At first glance, it sounds good; you’re showing your willingness to help the patient and giving them space to ask for what they need. However, during the tougher days of chemotherapy, it can just be a bigger burden for them. You’re handing off the responsibility to them to figure something out before the offer of help expires.
In my experience, the biggest help you can offer is to be specific. Your loved one probably already feels like a burden to those around them and is quite possibly too shy to say what would truly help them. So, try to offer something specific instead — whether you can cook lunch or dinner for them, if they want you to bring them something specific from the store, or just if they’d appreciate it if you came to visit and kept them company for a bit.
In conclusion
Just your presence and support mean an incredible amount, whether it’s a visit, a phone call, or just a text. I know it can be challenging, but as I wrote before, don’t take it personally when the patient’s mood changes. And most importantly, remember that the treatment lasts. Even though health comes first, the patient is still a person with their interests and hobbies. Talk to them about normal, everyday things: movies, games, the weather. Anything they enjoyed before treatment. This will help them feel more normal and forget about their illness for a while.
Remember that you don’t have to be shy about asking how to help, and that even a small gesture can make a huge difference. To conclude, I’d like to thank my circle of friends and especially my family, who stood by me during my treatment. You helped me more than you can imagine. And to my other readers, I hope you also took something away from today’s post. Take care of yourselves and have a good one.