As I mentioned in the description for today’s post, taking care of someone going through the unpleasant cycle of chemotherapy is hard work, and unfortunately, it’s also quite unappreciated by others. It’s your loved one, partner, or family member, so it feels right to take care of them during this tough time. But it can be a truly mentally exhausting thing, after all, you’re also going through a slightly milder version of what the patient is experiencing.
That’s why I’d like to dedicate a few words to these unappreciated guardian angels who are essential for getting through this crazy period, because it wouldn’t be possible without them. This advice comes not only from me as a patient but also from my amazing partner, who took care of me the whole time and was always there for me when I needed him.
Listen to what the patient tells you
It’s necessary to mention again that every patient goes through a completely individual experience and struggles. While they often overlap and include general things that most people experience, you always have to take it individually. And the best way to figure out what works and what doesn’t is communication — just ask, talk about it, and together, figure out the best options for you.
Spend time with them
For a person going through chemotherapy, human company and affection are among the most important things for getting through this exhausting period. Just spending time with them, whether by watching movies and TV shows, playing games, cooking together, going for walks, or just talking about anything at all, can really make their day. It really doesn’t have to be some complicated entertainment, it’s mainly about your company. It’s a simple and relatively easy piece of advice to follow, and your loved one will definitely appreciate it.
Don’t be surprised when they suddenly start hating good things
Chemotherapy affects everything and can really change a person. For me, a big change was that things I used to love suddenly started smelling and tasting bad. My boyfriend was very sad about it at first when he, for example, brought me a treat or cooked something great, but I just couldn’t get myself to eat it. It really upset him, It’s sad to see your loved one suddenly change and not even be able to explain why.
But we soon figured out that it’s just part of the treatment and our new reality. The mental side of the treatment is hard to predict and is constantly changing. So please try not to blame yourself when something like this goes wrong. Neither the patient nor you mean any harm, it’s all caused by the chemistry. The important thing is not to take it personally and to accept things as they come.
If you’re cooking, try making different new recipes
A chemo-poisoned brain very quickly builds associations between side effects and the food you eat with them. So it’s great to switch up meals often. It can be a chance to try some new recipes and expand your horizons a bit. Maybe it will become your new hobby, and the patient will definitely thank you.
Another option can also be to order some food from a restaurant sometimes. For us, unfortunately, in super expensive Norway, this was an option we could afford about once a month, but it was always a nice change and saved us a lot of time. The treatment period is difficult and demanding, so there’s absolutely nothing wrong with making it a little easier and treating yourselves to some good takeout.
Try not to take their bad mood personally either
Along with a dislike for food comes a general depressive mood and a loss of motivation. It’s sad to watch your loved one be unable to do anything productive for several days or even weeks, getting out of bed in the afternoon and constantly being tired and sometimes even unpleasant. Of course, the treatment can’t be used as an excuse to treat people around you badly, but exhaustion does a number on a person, and even if it’s not outright aggression, apathy can too change the atmosphere in the home.
It will be a difficult time, but again, it’s all about open communication, sharing feelings, and trying to find a mutually beneficial solution. I’m sure you’ll figure it out together.
Taking on administrative and daily tasks is a huge help
So what are the surefire ways to make the patient’s life easier? In my opinion, these two things are the best. First, the hospital, the (usually fruitless) attempts to get insurance reimbursements, and possibly work or school administration — all of this brings with it a huge amount of paperwork. I had never before encountered so many letters, emails, and calls to deal with at once. So it was a huge relief for me when I could count on my boyfriend to handle them and I could focus on surviving. For example, he arranged a great apartment for us to live in for the last two months of treatment, for which I’m really grateful.
And the second thing is household chores. Of course, it depends on how your household is set up, but try to expect that the patient will be so exhausted by everything that they probably won’t be able to do their share of the chores. It doesn’t mean they’ll just lie in bed the whole time and not help at all, but if you, as their caregiver, are willing to take on a bigger share of the cleaning, dishes, vacuuming, or laundry, it will be a huge relief for them.
Flexibility and planning
Chemotherapy is very unpredictable, and so it can be frustrating for a caregiver when plans change or get canceled at the last minute. The patient might feel good and full of energy one day, but the next day, they’ll be so tired they can barely get out of bed. So, try not to plan any big events, trips, or visits far in advance. Instead, be ready for spontaneous ideas that come up the moment the patient feels better. Don’t take it personally when a night out suddenly turns into a quiet evening in front of the TV. The main thing is to be together and enjoy each other’s company.
Right after chemo, a person is toxic — keep your distance
This is one of the first things the doctor warned us about at the start of treatment. Chemo is, of course, toxic mainly to the patient, tearing their cells’ DNA to shreds and causing a lot of unpleasant side effects that I’ve already talked about on this blog several times. But not all of it is absorbed, and it’s normally excreted from the body in various ways. When I was hospitalized, the doctors handled me with gloves after the infusion, and my bedsheets were marked with a special purple triangle, indicating that they were hazardous waste and had to be washed separately.
And this also applies at home, for about four days after an infusion. I’ve heard that some patients can have reddish sweat because of chemo, and I think sweat in general is the most dangerous thing about a freshly chemo-pumped patient. If you’re not careful, you could be at risk of getting a milder version of the side effects, like hair loss or that ever-present nausea and fatigue. The probability is small, but we always took care and kept our distance, and we never had a problem with anything like that.
However, when this toxic period passed, try to make up for it with lots of hugs and general displays of physical affection. For me, it was always a sign that things were good again for a while, and I always looked forward to it.
Don’t forget to focus on yourself
But it’s also important that you don’t forget about yourself. Keep up with your hobbies, hang out with your friends, find productive escapes from this sometimes depressing and exhausting environment. Don’t forget to set aside time for yourself, do things you enjoy, and maintain your own life. When you feel good about yourself, this whole process will be easier and more pleasant for both of you.
Your mental health is very important too. While you may not be “the one with cancer,” you are experiencing a similar trauma as the patient. And what bothers me most about it all is that others often completely ignore this fact. I, as the cancer patient, got a lot of leniency from my school and work, but my partner, who took care of me the whole time and dealt with all the negatives and my bad days, couldn’t take advantage of almost any similar benefits. After all, he’s healthy, so why should teachers make allowances and let him take exams remotely or make his studies and life easier just out of their good will? I really don’t think it should be that way.
Support from others
Caregivers often don’t get the same support as patients, even though they desperately need it. Friends, family, or others may want to help, but they don’t know how. So try to offer them specific tasks, prepare a list of things you need help with, whether it’s shopping, bringing food, helping with cleaning — anything that will help you get some rest. It’s important because you also have a right to your own support.
In conclusion
To repeat myself one more time, caring for a cancer patient is demanding and, unfortunately, unappreciated. It’s mainly about mutual, open communication and respect. It’s important to think about the new and unpredictable needs of the patient, but don’t forget to focus on your own mental health as well. I know it’s easy to say, but really, don’t forget about yourself. The trauma from the treatment is shared and should be taken seriously by everyone involved. So I wish you the smoothest possible journey and that you find a system that works for your household the way you want it to.